Classy

While perusing myspace accounts tonight, I checked in on a girl I went to high school with who has like 47 babies, from there, I linked to another page and found this picture.

So, what's I'll let you vote on what you think most makes this a classy shot.

dial 1800 trashtastic for : the caption read "the cake topper my mama made"
dial 1800 i'm-a-tramp for the fact that the cake is still in the HEB plastic box
dial 1800 skank-o-vision for the sheer fact that someone thought of and followed through with this set up of barbie dolls

This is almost as tacky as the naked lady cake complete with icing pubic hair my SIL had made for my brother last year.

The internet will be the downfall of our society. I hate to say it, but it is true.

We're off to the beach for a couple of days. I hope to purge my mind of these images and work on mass producing skin cancer cells.

WTF or Why I hate TV

Why is John Travolta dressed as a fat lady singing and dancing on my television.

And before bed... i'm going to puke. And have nightmares.

By the way, Kirby ate our bed today. I'm not sure where I am sleeping tonight.

Office party etiquette

For all of those who know me, I'm sure it comes as no surprise to you that I would like to write about party etiquette. I'm by far one of the most judgmental people I've ever met. I like to participate in what most people call "people watching" but in reality it is really "people critiquing."

So in the spirit of this game, I thought I would come up with a list of acceptable/unacceptable behaviors for your office party.

Let's preface this by saying that I work at an elementary school and our end of year office party was held on a party barge.

1. It is a boat party, come prepared... meaning, don't wear your jeans... everyone will ask why, and you'll have to tell each one of them how dumb you are that it didn't even occur to you to wear anything other than jeans on a boat.

2. Don't be the only person to drink hard liquor. When everyone else shows up with sandwiches, chips, dips and a 6 pack of beer, you will get funny looks boarding with only a bottle of vodka, a 2 liter of sprite and your purse. And when your principal sees you, raises her eyebrows and says, "wow... vodka...." think of something better to say than "uh... yeah....I don't drink beer."

3. Don't drink the entire bottle of vodka.

4. Don't threaten to wrestle people, but if you do accidentally drop the wrestling bomb... just let it drop, don't continue on for the rest of the night of why you think you could take down the other person... whom you don't even know. (in my defense, the assistant principal told me his money was on me, he was just worried about me b/c I'd be wresting out of my weight class. The opponent I chose stands at least a foot taller than me and outweighs me by quite a bit)

5. Don't play jokes like spreading around that the only male on campus (who happens to be the assistant principal) is gay. And definitely don't put the only 2 dollars in your wallet in another teacher's top telling her "Ha ha ha go upstairs (where the token male is) and say that you heard **** is GAY!"

6. For real, don't drink a liter of vodka.

7. Don't try to convince the captain of the ship that he should stop the boat in the middle of the lake so you could just jump in real quick. He's not going to be impressed. Especially if you are the one person on the boat in jeans.

8. Don't even talk to the captain of the ship. For he will take it upon himself to leave his post, of driving the fucking boat, to go to the back and get a life jacket and put it over your head.

9. If for some strange reason, you do end up being the only person on the boat wearing jeans and a life jacket... it is not a good time to take a picture of yourself with your AP (the gay one) and the teacher whose shirt is full of money holding up the nearly empty bottle of vodka. God knows who owns that camera.

10. If you do drink the entire bottle of vodka, EAT SOMETHING! And not just the ice in your glass.

11. Having another party-goer pour water down your white tank top is not a viable alternative to swimming in the lake, but even if she thinks it is, don't yell out that she is a whore.

12. When you get off of the boat, have someone help you walk back up the hill. You could ask some random guy who works for the boat rental company... but he'll probably come up with some lame story about his hurt back. I didn't want him to carry me by the way. It is better to go with a co-worker, that way you two can come up with a cute nickname by combining your two names, "Krappy Pecker" for example.

13. If you decide to go to the restaurant bar so your DD can have some more water and you lose one of the people you were with, don't be the one to scream bloody murder calling out her name. Especially if you are walking by 2 cops posted at the entrance of the restaurant.

14. When the waitress asks you what you'd like to drink, say WATER It really doesn't sound anything like Cape Cod.

15. I can't remember any more rules from this point on. Just be nice to your boyfriend who drives 30 minutes to come pick your drunk ass up to get you home safely.


If you follow these 15 rules, you should have no qualms about showing your face at work the next Monday, because you certainly won't be known as, "The School Drunk."

A Note to my Future Children

Dear not-yet-conceived future child,

Hi, it's your future mom. I just wanted to send you a quick note to let you know that you will never get away with anything.

I mean nothing... at all... ever...

I don't care who it is blaming you for something, I don't care how absurd the claim is, I don't care what your excuse is. You will be at fault. And I will beat you unmercifully.

There will be none of this, "Well so-and-so instigated it." or, "Well s/he did it first." and absolutely no, "Are you sure it was my child?"

It will be your fault. You will suffer the consequences. I'll even tack on a few of my own. Just for fun. Just for spite. Just to ensure that you understand that you will never ever ever get away with anything.

I'll love you for as long as you don't make me kill you!

Future Mom

PS You can thank the moms of kids I know now for my attitude. I promise it is for your own benefit.

Inspired by Laura

Things I love vs. Things I hate.... which list will be longer???

Love:
1. Lorna Doone shortbread cookies
2. CSI Vegas
3. My puppies, even Kirby
4. Microsoft Publisher
5. when the kids choose one of the learning centers I made for them over the same "toys" they usually play with
6. Routines... how sick is that?
7. Sensual Amber from Bath and Body Works
8. Being clean with my hair already straightened

Hate:
1. Parents who think their kid is smarter than s/he really is
2. Feeling unmotivated
3. My lack of short term memory
4. cheap vodka
5. beer
6. playing the "I'm more __________ than you" as in, "Man, I'm tired" "Yeah well at least you got to sleep for 4 hours. I was up all night, and then I got up earlier than you and went to bed later and worked harder and yadda yadda yadda" IT DOESN'T MAKE ME ANY LESS TIRED! It is ok for both of us to be tired. Tired has lots of room, it never kicks ANY one out. This goes for hungry, cold, full, hot, bored, busy, overwhelmed etc. It is ok for two (hell, even three) people to have similar feelings and needs.
7. Liking TV as much as I do
8. Bathing.... god, when are they going to invent a clean pill???

Every once in a while

Every once in a while, you meet a person who fills a hole in your life. The kind of person who you really feel honored to have known. But more so, you feel pride because they cared about you. Because they are such amazing people, it is a compliment that they thought you are special. And you wonder if you're really worth it. And you wish you had more time to prove it to them.

Paranoia

I don't have kids... and I've never been a victim of identity theft, but seriously... some people are RIDICULOUS!

We had our Kinder registration today and I'm standing around praying, Dear God (that I don't believe is really there, but there's no one else to talk to so why not...) Please don't let these parents have anything to ask me. Please don't let them care... let me go home...

I see this wild banshee (is that a word?) of a child covered in fake tattoos running around. Now, I'm not one to talk trash about tattoos, I have a couple myself, but this demon spawn was honestly running through the cafeteria full blast pulling his shirt over his head to show the principal his stripes of fake tattoos all over his chest and stomach. Wow... flag that one for a "NOT in My Class."

Then I see his mom talking to our nurse... the final step to registration. And I see our nurse's face tighten up as though she's holding back. I tried to eavesdrop but all I can hear is something about his SSN. Oh god, she's one of those parents. The one who is afraid that someone is going to sneak into the school via the internet connection in our classroom and snatch their child up and run them to Mexico to be a sex slave. But then she continues talking about how she's a very active parent and wants to be really involved in the classroom and yadda yadda yadda...

So... I wait until they are finished (20 minutes) and as the nurse is highlighting the kid's name on his folder, I ask what that was all about... Mom doesn't want to give the school the kid's SSN... she wants us to issue him a state id number for them to use to keep track of him. Whatever, paranoia... oh but it gets better... she also requested that if the number that is issued to him contains the number 666 he will need to be issued another number.

Well... if she's afraid of the devil, she probably won't have a problem with us doing Christmas shit in class... Halloween... that will be a different story.

Who gets BITTEN at work????

Lion tamers
Alligator wrestlers
Snake charmers
video crews for the discovery channel during shark week
Kindergarten teachers

which of the above does NOT belong?

Seriously, who gets bitten? Me. HA!

Little spaz who isn't even in my class tells me he's soooo hungry he's going to eat me up! Then pretends to lunge for my arm to take a bite, except he didn't have much for eye-mouth depth perception, he freakin' bit me!

Didn't break the skin, but CSI could have gotten dental impressions from my forearm. So, I had him sit out until his mom came to get him (this was during extended care - after school).

So I check my school e-mail and get this in my inbox:

I heard this afternoon that ***** bit you today at Extended Care. Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry. Please be assured that we take this kind of behavior very seriously. ***** had a strong talking to and consequences tonight, and he will be giving you an apology tomorrow. Please let me know if there is anything else you think we should do to address his behavior, or if there is anything else you think we should know.

Thank you very much for all that you do for our children. And I apologize again for *****'s behavior.

Aww poor little spaz! I wrote back and let her know that he was just playing and he didn't do it in anger... all in a day's work... for lion tamers... and kindergarten teachers...

The Picture.... or sound.... of health

I'm in tip top shape. Just listen here: http://home.mckallip.net/dl/knee/j-knee.wav

Yeah, that really is what my knee sounds like. awesome.

Something I probably shouldn't be happy about

ok so I'm the newbie at my job. The last person hired on my team was hired 7 years ago.... so when I found out that my district was opening a new school next year, it was understood that I would be the first to go.

Not that I liked that.

I love my team, we are nothing alike, but we have so much fun. Generally when I can leave early, I don't, because I'm in someone else's classroom BSing for an hour.

So, a month or so ago they redistricted the school and we found out that we would be losing a teacher at my grade level. Fine... I'll go...

I'd been thinking about how much it is going to suck and how I'd miss seeing my teammates. Last night I was thinking well... if we go to KToT (yeah, that's Kindergarten Teachers of Texas... I'm cool, you're jealous) next year, maybe I'll still stay with them. Would that be mean to my new team? Do I care? Nah....

I got to school a little bit early today in anticipation of a new student. Who home schools their kindergartener only to enroll him in public school in late March????? The principal comes over the loudspeaker and tells us to check our e-mails right away. Aww man, we must have a meeting or something or maybe a fire drill...

But no, lo and behold it is a letter from the superintendent saying that construction has been delayed on the new school and it will not be opening for another year! I GET TO STAY!!!!!!! I immediately forwarded it to my mom, John and Jamie, who have all listened to me whine about how much I don't want to leave. Then I hear KRUUUUUUUUUUUUUPAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!! Yelled down the hallway. It was my team leader who came running down the hall to hug me after she read it. We all met out in the hallway and jumped up and down and got giddy and excited!

It was complete cheese. But I loved it!

So annoyed

DISCLAIMER: This whole post isn't about how much I work out or how many calories I burned etc. (So, Laura, you can read it and not want to gouge my eyes out)

Ok, so here I am... working out for the 4th day in a row this week thinking, "well, even though I'm sleeping until 10 am each day, at least I'm getting up and working out after that." So, I turn on exercise TV and bust my butt for about 45 minutes and decide, ok I can do this for a few more minutes. I flip through the new listings and get angry that they took off my favorite workouts and then Ta-Da! I find Tae Bo!

Now for most people, dancing around comes somewhat naturally. I'm not most people. So any cardio type workout I can find that doesn't have me booty dancing following 642 steps is super. I've done Tae Bo before and it is simple enough for me to follow along with out feeling like I should be drinking a 40 while doing it.

Push play and get ready.... wait, what does that banner in the background say? Faith?? what? Find my inner strength? Who is Billy Blanks kidding? Ok fine he's pretending this is some eastern philosophy based work out. Whatever, let's get on with the punches and jabs..... "What's that clap for?" Why I don't know Billy, do tell!

JESUS CHRIST!

huh?

Find your strength within! Jesus will give you the power to complete this work out. If you feel like you just can't make it, Praise the lord!

Wow, I didn't know Jesus could cure fatigue. I thought rest and hydration did that.

so I refuse to do the claps and then he tells me to punch it up to the lord. and I refuse to do that.

WHY MUST MY WORK OUT BE A RELIGIOUS EXPERIENCE!?!?!?!

If God is going to make my work out better, super. I'd prefer that he didn't make chocolate taste so good. Then I wouldn't need to work out in the first place.

So, we're standing on one leg and kicking with the other, Billy tells me that if I'm falling to call on the power of God with my inner strength to help me stand tall. Man, and all this time, I grew up thinking that balance was what helped me stand tall. That Jesus must have a sick sense of humor because I sure have fallen plenty of times in my life.

I can just picture Jesus sitting up there with his disciples saying hey man, watch this little girl, she's going to try to roller skate, we'll test her faith...

Let me set the scene, I'm rocking out to NKOTB with my side pony tail and my pink hand me down satin jacket (with denim shorts of course) scrunch socks and some rented roller skates. ohh-ohh -ohh-ohh-ohhh Hangin' Tough! whoa... whoa!!!! CRASH!!!

Jesus: ha ha! She didn't ask me to help her not fall, she didn't use her inner strength, now look at her on the ground sucka!

Me: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! MY ARM IS SNAPPED IN HALF!!!!

Needless to say, I won't be sticking to a Tae Bo work out. I'll stick to Satan Strength Training. Until god makes chocolate and ice cream taste like asparagus and asparagus taste like chocolate... I'll leave the church out of my work outs.

Why I love Austin

Reason # 567832098674095

While sitting at home on a Sunday afternoon with the windows and doors open... I look down out of our upstairs window and see three ladies walking two horses by on our sidewalk.

John's Response, "You wouldn't see that in DC." No you sure wouldn't. It is good to be home. It is even better to be home and be on Spring Break.

ok one more....

I WANT ONE!!!!

Supa Cute

Here is one of my Panda pics. SOOOO cute, not even the best picture I have, but I just wanted to throw one up here for tonight.

Let me tell you how much I'm looking forward to waking up in 6 hours and getting ready to go back to work.

This trip was planned perfectly. Took Mon. and Tues. off, I'll go back to school Wed-Fri and then it will be spring break and I'll have 9 days off followed by a work day. Ahhhh... I guess I can handle that schedule.



Anyway, say hello to AJ and Kirby's future friend. I will have a panda someday.

lotsa

Lots of things have happened since the first night here. I saw Giant Pandas... by far the cutest animals in the whole friggin' world. I could die now and be relatively happy. I'll post pics on here when I get back home and I'm not stealing internet.

Also, we met some really nice people, made me feel like this place isn't so bad after all, but then again... these really nice people were from Texas :) ha. Small world.

Tomorrow is our last day. The museums here are free and AMAZING! I (heart) the smithsonian institution. We're going to the Spy museum in the AM and then heading back to nice, lovely, kind, sweet and warm Texas.

HOLY CRAP!I

I know I'm a non-urban girl, but jesus christ, this place is kinda scary for me. Will update later... if we don't get robbed/attacked by homeless people/killed/mangled in a subway.

Laura, how did you do this for over a year????????????

I respect you so much more now.

Sunday... Dangerous Sunday

I have come to realize that cleaning is dangerous. I should never have to do it. I sliced my finger open while trying to dust. Then I rammed the shop-vac handle into my knee cap. I can't risk it any longer. From this moment on, I will save what's left of my limbs and stop cleaning.

Reading

I read a lot. Everyday. Some of it is good, some of it is shit, some of it is news, some gossip, some poems, some kid writing, some labels, some e-mails, some blogs, some lyrics... but by far, the BEST thing I read today was: "If Britney Spears weren't so fucking stupid "country," her personal and professional life might have turned out quite differently!"

As you can guess that came from the "some shit" and "some gossip" categories, but still. I think it applies to life more than it should just take out Britney Spears and replace it with any of a slew of names of people I know and viola! It makes sense.

I made a pretty good dinner tonight. Sometimes I get so hungry that I have NO idea what I actually want to eat. Today that resulted in me throwing everyone of my cravings into a pot and cooking it over low heat for a while.

I should go to sleep.

PS I love seeing "no misspellings found" after writing a blog. I really am smarter than the average Joe. Except I just tried to spell Joe with a G. oops.

I am sorry

I'm sorry for the awful colors in the previous posts. I would change them to save your eyes, but I'm too lazy. Just know that with my new template, I will chose colors that work well with this layout.

Yeah Yeah

Ok so here's another hobby for me to start and then give up on... I'm good at that.

I've been pretty busy. That is a lame excuse. I've thought of things to write about, but I get distracted by life, gossip pages, dogs, and sleep.

Here's a quick update: it changed years, then months a couple of times and here we are!

I started working out 5 days a week. That takes up a lot of time, what with the showering I now have to do.

I also gave up drinking cokes. I don't know why, but I'll tell you, my class did the hardboiled egg soaking in coke to see what happens and I'm not sure I'm going to be able to drink them again. That shit was gross. Even after we all scrubbed it, it was still brown and it was staining through the egg shell.

I'm trying more and more to be a good teacher. It dawns on me sometimes that Holy Shit! I'm their Kindergarten teacher! They will remember me FOREVER. So, how do I want them to remember me? The mean teacher who was perpetually unprepared? Or the tard of a teacher who let them have fun and sang and danced WITH them rather than just watching? Probably a little of both.

I wrote a song a few minutes ago, it is to the tune of the Toys 'r us

I don't wanna work out
i'm a lazy slob.
I don't wanna work out
but even if I did...
I'd rather have a drink instead!

copyright 2007 jkrupa