Saturday, May 05, 2007

Office party etiquette

For all of those who know me, I'm sure it comes as no surprise to you that I would like to write about party etiquette. I'm by far one of the most judgmental people I've ever met. I like to participate in what most people call "people watching" but in reality it is really "people critiquing."

So in the spirit of this game, I thought I would come up with a list of acceptable/unacceptable behaviors for your office party.

Let's preface this by saying that I work at an elementary school and our end of year office party was held on a party barge.

1. It is a boat party, come prepared... meaning, don't wear your jeans... everyone will ask why, and you'll have to tell each one of them how dumb you are that it didn't even occur to you to wear anything other than jeans on a boat.

2. Don't be the only person to drink hard liquor. When everyone else shows up with sandwiches, chips, dips and a 6 pack of beer, you will get funny looks boarding with only a bottle of vodka, a 2 liter of sprite and your purse. And when your principal sees you, raises her eyebrows and says, "wow... vodka...." think of something better to say than "uh... yeah....I don't drink beer."

3. Don't drink the entire bottle of vodka.

4. Don't threaten to wrestle people, but if you do accidentally drop the wrestling bomb... just let it drop, don't continue on for the rest of the night of why you think you could take down the other person... whom you don't even know. (in my defense, the assistant principal told me his money was on me, he was just worried about me b/c I'd be wresting out of my weight class. The opponent I chose stands at least a foot taller than me and outweighs me by quite a bit)

5. Don't play jokes like spreading around that the only male on campus (who happens to be the assistant principal) is gay. And definitely don't put the only 2 dollars in your wallet in another teacher's top telling her "Ha ha ha go upstairs (where the token male is) and say that you heard **** is GAY!"

6. For real, don't drink a liter of vodka.

7. Don't try to convince the captain of the ship that he should stop the boat in the middle of the lake so you could just jump in real quick. He's not going to be impressed. Especially if you are the one person on the boat in jeans.

8. Don't even talk to the captain of the ship. For he will take it upon himself to leave his post, of driving the fucking boat, to go to the back and get a life jacket and put it over your head.

9. If for some strange reason, you do end up being the only person on the boat wearing jeans and a life jacket... it is not a good time to take a picture of yourself with your AP (the gay one) and the teacher whose shirt is full of money holding up the nearly empty bottle of vodka. God knows who owns that camera.

10. If you do drink the entire bottle of vodka, EAT SOMETHING! And not just the ice in your glass.

11. Having another party-goer pour water down your white tank top is not a viable alternative to swimming in the lake, but even if she thinks it is, don't yell out that she is a whore.

12. When you get off of the boat, have someone help you walk back up the hill. You could ask some random guy who works for the boat rental company... but he'll probably come up with some lame story about his hurt back. I didn't want him to carry me by the way. It is better to go with a co-worker, that way you two can come up with a cute nickname by combining your two names, "Krappy Pecker" for example.

13. If you decide to go to the restaurant bar so your DD can have some more water and you lose one of the people you were with, don't be the one to scream bloody murder calling out her name. Especially if you are walking by 2 cops posted at the entrance of the restaurant.

14. When the waitress asks you what you'd like to drink, say WATER It really doesn't sound anything like Cape Cod.

15. I can't remember any more rules from this point on. Just be nice to your boyfriend who drives 30 minutes to come pick your drunk ass up to get you home safely.

If you follow these 15 rules, you should have no qualms about showing your face at work the next Monday, because you certainly won't be known as, "The School Drunk."


Jamie said...

OMG, you crazy girl.

Laura said...

You're funny. Lets be friends.