my new diet

It is called Anna-alcho-ulemia. It starts out like this: don't eat much, then drink a LOT, then puke it all up.

You also have to sleep for 15 hours. I mean, yeah, you'll lose muscle mass and all, and you will also have the shakes and don't worry too much about that burning empty feeling in your stomach. Just tell yourself it is cramps and take a lot of advil.

In no time, you will be looking SMOKIN' HOT on the beach. Just don't wear a bathing suit because your pallor will be like that of death. Also wear big sunglasses to cover up the dark circles that have become your eyes.

BEST OF LUCK TO YOU ALL!!! I'll see you after this quick coma................................

stirring the waters...

At lunch today, we were discussing our ancestors and I'm all about whoring out the "we were jewish royalty with a castle and everything" routine. People are always impressed, but I've yet to have anyone bow down.... so until that day...

Later we made a starbucks run and I mentioned wanting to put up our x-mas tree last weekend (yes, I know it was the first weekend of November) and one of my co-workers was like oh, but I thought you were Jewish! ha ha! I said, nah, that was long ago. She said something about me being a christian and i said, nah... the other teacher with us joked about me being a "bad christian" i said... nah... so the first one said so what? are you an atheist or agnostic?!?!?! yeah....

***crickets chirping***

So, I said what? are you not going to be my friend anymore because I do the right thing because it is the right thing and not because I fear eternal damnation?

**** damn those crickets sure are loud ****

I love when people find out that I don't believe in god after they have already formed an opinion of me. I wonder what the thought process for that one is. Hmm... I knew she wasn't a religious person, but I also know that she's a decent person and is responsible... I knew it was weird when she yelled goddamnit all the time.... but we get along.... POP! Brain explodes!

I'm sure most people think I'm just saying it for the shock value (cause I NEVER say absurd things just to see how people react!). But it is something I just generally don't talk about much outside of my close knit group of friends because I don't like being on the defensive nor do I like the feeling of being openly judged. So, it is something that I tend to not discuss either way. I don't tell you to shut up when you say you will pray for me. I don't laugh in your face and go on a tirade when you ask me to pray for your family. Because I honestly don't care. If you need some sort of reward for doing what's right... hey... do whatever it takes. If you think that you shouldn't murder people or steal because it was in the bible, that's fine as long as you aren't murdering people or stealing. I'll avoid those things because it isn't nice and I wouldn't like those things to happen to me.

Anyway, we'll see how quickly this spreads and how quickly I lose my job.

I got an e-mail from a former student's mom complaining about a movie coming out and how terrible it is b/c it was written by an atheist etc. etc. Three days after sending this to me (at work - completely inappropriate) I saw her outside and we discussed what needs to be done to get her other son in my class in two years when he finally starts school. Hmm... I wonder if she would somehow think that her second son wouldn't learn to read or to be a good student in me class if she knew (insert scary music) the real me...

It is such crap.

Best...shit...EVER

http://www.marryourdaughter.com/

Fucking AWESOME! Read the testimonials!

“Our 15 year old daughter Mary wasn’t very popular and did nothing but mope around the house bringing everybody down, so we decided to marry her off through your site. Now our house is a lot cheerier and we love our new swimming pool and Jaccuzi! We’ve told our youngest that when she turns 15 we’re going to marry her off too!"

—Mrs. James P.


Where was this website when I was a pre-teen!? I'm telling my parents how pissed off I am!

Things I should probably keep to myself

Do you ever have hilarious things happen to you, but no one is around to see them? That shit always happens to me. I told the counselor at school the other day that she needed to come into my classroom so someone will know that I'm not making this shit up.

Well, Wednesday night I was working on getting my crap together for Open House on Thurs. evening. Sure enough as I sat here, I started to get the sniffles. Within 2 hours I was in bed almost in tears because my throat hurt so friggin' bad. Super, now I get to go give a presentation to parents the next night.

By Thursday I was feeling like COMPLETE crap. The kind of bad where you walk down the hall and people see you and say Oh Jennifer.... You don't look good! then apologize profusely. Believe me, I know. I spent 20 minutes this morning using half a bottle of concealer under each eye only to have my eyes start watering and wash away all my progress.
So, I do my presentation while nursing a peach smoothie from sonic (those f-ing things are AWESOME!) and at the end of the night, one of the moms asks me, Now Jennifer, how bad does it have to get before you go to the dr? hmm... good question.

That answer is, when your head is pounding from the moment you wake up and you can't turn your head to the side and you can't breathe through your nose and you're coughing up a lung.... THAT is when you go to the dr. But we had our Gingerbread hunt scheduled for Friday morning, so I HAD to at least go for the first half of the day. So I take 3 advil, 2 tylenol sinus, an emergen-c, and nasal spray. I grabbed some jeans off the floor and my 3 sizes too big school shirt and headed off. I walked into school thinking, i might be high... i'm not sure....

We do our hunt, walk ALL over the school, library, gym, computer lab, music room, art room, front office, nurse's office, cafeteria and then to recess. Morning goes ok, then I take the kids to lunch and start preparing for my afternoon sub. I walk back into my room and feel something on my leg, I look down and see nothing, but I feel something, so I take another step and a pair of underwear falls out of my pant leg. HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

God, I'm glad it stayed put until I got back into the classroom and didn't fall out while on our GB hunt. Hey kids! We didn't find your cookies, but look! We found your teacher's thong instead!!!

good times.... I went and told all of my teammates who blamed it on the absurd amount of drugs I'd taken that morning. They think I am cool.

a bit of confidence

Today was the third day of school and all I have to say is WOW!

One of my kids' mom's took a picture of us on the first day and then sent it to the principal and me in an e-mail that afternoon. Later that day, I noticed that the picture is on the main page for the school district. I'm FAMOUS!!!!

Today I found out that the pic is going to run in the local paper. I'm going to need a body guard soon if things keep up.

Then, I get a forwarded e-mail from my principal. One of my kiddo's mom's sent the principal an e-mail complimenting me like crazy and saying how glad she is to have her son at a school as diverse as ours with such great staff.

I responded to the principal and said with as easy as it has been so far, I should be waiting for it to all come crashing down.

That could happen in the morning... I did send 4 kids home on yellow today ha ha ha!

goals for your daughters

"Ashley will make a good wife when she gets older. She will take good care of her husband. "

as heard on tv tonight.

I am disgusted. Thoughts?

Holy Crap!

School starts tomorrow! Yikes!!!

I'll be waking up in 6 and half hours.

I have 21 kindergarteners.... and 42 kinder parents AHHHHHHHHH

It is going to be a year filled with vodka and coffee... not in that order.

I picked a bad year to stop drinking cokes. At least I didn't give up smoking crack too!

Along the same lines....

Ok I'll admit it, I watch bad tv. Tonight I was watching Murder. It is this dumb show on Spike that has 2 groups of people working to solve a real crime. It is ridiculous and I have only watched it twice, this might have been the last time.

On tonight's episode a dude gets beaten to death in his own bed. One of the "investigators" first noticed a framed last supper painting in the hallway and immediately concluded that this was a very religious family. Um, we have that painting too... but I don't need to go into that.

Her next brilliant idea was that there was no way the wife could have killed her husband. "She is a good christian woman and I can't believe that a christian woman would kill her husband."

If I cared enough, this is where I would insert a very specific figure of how many wives kill their husbands and how many of them were christian, but I just feel like saying OH MY GOD! How ignorant are people???

That is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard in my life.That picture is pretty irrelevant, but it makes me laugh nonetheless. I cannot grasp the concept of people who make lump generalizations like the woman on that show. Whether they be positive, negative or whatever. It makes me laugh hysterically that some people are so naive to believe something like claiming christianity equals being incapable of wrong doing. These are the same people who think I am going to eat their babies because I do not believe in god. One does not necessarily equal the other.

And for those of you who are wondering, no, the wife didn't kill her husband.

She had her boyfriend do it.

Why did she kill him?

Because her religion looked down on divorce and so she knew the only way she could be with her boyfriend was to kill off her husband.

I'll bet Jesus is eating that one up.

I may not believe in god, but...

I'm not a dirty whore with drunken slutty pictures all over my myspace.
I don't eat babies.
I don't treat people like shit (as a general rule, sometimes people need it)
I don't claim to be better than anyone or try to convince people to believe the same exact way that I do or else tell them that they will burn eternally (nice one Christians... .I really like the fear factor)
I do have morals.
I am honest.
I stand up for the things that make sense.
I am not the cause of chaos in our society.
I can show a child how to behave and treat others nicely without giving him the eternal damnation speech.
I may not like goats, but that doesn't mean I make sacrifices with them.
I believe that two people can be committed to each other fully despite a lack of a watchful eye peering into their lives.... this leaves room for even (insert scary music) gay people to get married!!! (shocker I know)


Basically I can do what I'm "supposed" to do in this world to make it less of a crazy chaotic cesspool with out fearing for my afterlife. I do all these things DESPITE religion, not because of it.


John brought to my attention a blog on a myspace page about god loves me because of this, i'm not strong, i trust in god yadda yadda yadda. Another person posted saying that he doesn't understand how non-believers can find "piece" in their lives in light of the VT shooting. Well, I'll tell you I find "piece" by looking at the whole.

Oddly that makes sense... I don't believe that god had some master plan for all the people who died that day. I don't think he sat down and said I need Sue, Joe, Bob, etc. today.... I could take them in their sleep, but instead I'll make this one kid go crazy and shoot them all up. Great choice, I'll get right on that. With this theory, god's master plan for the shooter was for him to be a nut job who goes and kills a bunch of people. Does he get forgiven for doing "god's work" I mean, god did want them back in heaven right? This is how god planned to get them there. Should the shooter be allowed to roam the streets like an average citizen because "god has a plan for him?'" His plan just happened to be to kill a bunch of kids at college.

To me, it makes more sense to look at the whole picture. The kid was crazy. The kid was not a good person, he went nuts and killed people. Put him in jail, give him some psych drugs and let him be a monetary burden on our society until he croaks naturally or gets beaten to death by some other fine upstanding citizen in jail.

Some people are nuts. Others are not. I don't need a god to tell me I'm not nuts.

ok john just told me the shooter guy killed himself. well shit. i didn't know that. maybe i'll be a christian after all. that changes everything. and completely invalidates my points. i'm off to pray.

things i love

tylenol pm... you are my friend. You make me feel drunk with in 30 minutes. you let me sleep forever and ever and ever. I love you tylenol pm. you are my best friend. (not really, don't panic!)

I also love sharpies. I bought 24 more today. Why? I dunno. I have a shoe box full of them...and a canister full of them... and another canister full at school... I have problems.

the end.

When it rains... it pours...

Everyone has had "one of those days" but this is my blog and I want to whine about my day... well, my yester-day, but I didn't have the energy to sum it all up last night. That and I feared that if I began to write about it, something else would happen.

Started out me going to pick up the boys and take them downtown to this kids art in the park thing that they do every Wednesday during the summers here. The younger boy immediately started whining about how he didn't want to go blah blah blah. Pouting in the garage sitting against the wall and just being a brat overall... super. John calls me on our way to tell me that AJ puked up his guts and some of the rawhide from last night.

So we go downtown, park in a parking garage and start heading to the park, except we end up at the capitol. Excuse me officer, is Red River this way... or behind me. Yeah, it's behind you... quite a few blocks too. Awesome, thanks. So, we walk back the way we came and then some more until we get to our destination. Me constantly having to tell the pouting child to keep up with us. They have this nerdy dude playing kid songs and a concert and story time and face painting and popcicles and Blue Bell hats and crafts and more music and it was awesome. As we are walking away, the boys say thanks for bringing us here today! WHAT??? wow. I'm impressed. But the pouty child starts to whine about his shoe hurting his foot. He's wearing crocs... are they even physically capable of causing pain??

So we get our lunches and go eat in Waterloo park, that goes fine, we finish up, toss our trash and head to the playscape. I see a man walking towards us so, I try to veer off to the side to avoid his path. That doesn't work. He asks, Excuse me ma'am I saw you were here eating lunch in the park and I was wondering if you happened to have any leftovers. I say, oh, no i'm sorry, we ate everything. Then I have to tell the pouty child to keep up with us. (he's now about 10 feet behind me)
The homeless dude starts muttering some shit "don't have to pee in your pants... blah blah blah... just hungry" I was like Sir, I said we ate all of our lunch, I'm sorry, but we don't have anything else. He YELLS AT ME!!!! I'm not talking about that anymore! I'm saying you don't have to pee in your pants and make sure your kid is right there. You don't have to panic! Some people have and some people don't... I'm homeless I'm not a criminal. I said, I'm not panicking... he's being slow, I want him to keep up. What I didn't say was I work 3 fucking jobs, so don't talk to me about having and not having... the reason I have is because I bust my fucking ass. These aren't my kids and I'm trying to not lose them even if I would sell that one to you for $5. ugh. I was pissed, so we left without going to the playscape.

Later that afternoon, we went to the pool and as soon as I sat down with the newest copy of People, a damn tornado (not really, but close) comes ripping through the area. Came out of nowhere! So we run to the car and start to head back to their house. As I'm driving 30 mph through the town in the rain, I notice some kids on bikes riding down one of the 2 main streets in this town. One of the three kids has a helmet on. One of the other two whips his bike directly in front of my car. I have to slam on my breaks to avoid hitting him. Brakes screaming, tires sliding and squealing on the wet roads and the dumb fucking kid just stares at me slack jawed like oh shit did that just happen????????? yes you stupid little twit, it did.

We make it back to the kids' house where they immediately run inside and tell their dad how I almost hit a kid on a bike. Uh... yeah, not my fault though... I have to clarify. I still had an hour left in my day by this point and the kids went on super asshole mode and I wanted to strangle them, but opted to not. I left their house, twitching and in need of a strong drink.

Got back to my house, made a drink, settled down at my craft desk with big plans of working on school stuff. Except the hacked version of office 07 that was recently put on my computer had other plans... couldn't do shit with my computer. Super.

Change of plans, I decide to make school stuff w/out the use of my computer and 10 minutes later I realize that AJ is passed out in the stairs looking sad enough to cry alligator tears. Hmm... with lots of sweet talking, I convince him to come upstairs with me. He flops down on the floor near me and Kirby comes up and starts to nuzzle up against AJ. and here's where it got scary... AJ let him.... So, I paged the vet. By this time it is 9pm, he calls back, I tell him AJ's symptoms and he says well, it could be some bacteria from the rawhide or it could be that his intestines are twisted and he'll need to have emergency surgery. I can't tell you for sure until I see him.

John of course is gone, so I called a neighbor to see if she could watch Kirby while I was gone, but she didn't answer, so I had to load up both dogs. AJ wouldn't even get into the car. I had to pick his fat butt up and put him in the car. The whole way there Kirby wouldn't mess with him, AJ was being really quiet and just had that sick dog smell about him.

We get to the vet and I'm trying to lift AJ out of the car, Kirby jumps over my head and runs through the parking lot like the wild banshee he is. I finally get him back into the car and AJ out of the car and into the office.

Here's the "good" part of the day. AJ didn't have to have surgery :) just a mild case of food poisoning. We got him some antibiotics etc. etc. I'm out of there in about 45 minutes and I soon realize that in my haste of controlling asshole dogs, I'd left my headlights on. Sure enough, the battery was dead.

I couldn't even curse anymore. I was so damn irritated, but I hang my head and go back into the office to ask the dr. if he has jumper cables. Nope. So, I have to call John to come out there and meet me 30 minutes away to jump start my car. We get home around 11:30 and I wanted so badly to just collapse into bed.

That didn't quite happen, AJ was being a sad sack and refused to get out of the car. I don't know what it is about that dog, but seeing him not feeling well makes me want to die. I tried to pass out once we finally got him out of the car, but I woke up every couple of hours worrying about him.

ugh. it is nearly 24 hours later and I'm having another drink. still trying to recover. I didn't even get out of my pajamas today... and yes, I did go to work.... in my pajamas.

driving and attention whores

I hate driving.
No, that's not right, I hate other people driving. You should have to take a special class to get certified to drive on wet roads. For example:

When the roads are wet and it is raining do you: A. Slow down and be cautious or B. Slow to 20 below the posted speed limit, drive in the fast lane constantly riding your breaks all the while talking on your cell phone.

I generally don't have a problem with people on the phone while driving, hell, most of the time I am driving, I'm talking to someone. But JESUS CHRIST! If your body can't handle holding the phone up to your head and also pressing on the gas pedal... give up the phone.


Moving on to the Attention Whores part of this blog...

When you pick up little Johnny from his soccer camp, it is NOT necessary to show the entire triangle back of your thong. This bugs me for many reasons, one being quit acting like ho bag Spears, you are the epitome of soccer moms. If you weren't, you wouldn't live in this neighborhood. Another reason is how can you not realize this is happening? You've obviously pulled your drawers up to your earlobes, it can't be comfortable. And also, you are picking up your kid from camp, meaning, you are a mom. A mom old enough to have a kid in camp. Get over it. You aren't 20 years old anymore.

And to the attention whores who drive Hummers. We get it, you have more money than sense. But to pick out a bright ass banana yellow one is just a slap in the face. Now you are showing us that you have more money than common sense and fashion sense combined. No one likes your car. It is a ridiculous waste of three or four parking spots. It is hard to miss on its own, you don't need to paint it neon nor do you need to put your web address of www.imakemoremoneythanyouandispenditonstufflikethisandnotonbooksthatmighthelpmylittlespoiledbratchildlearnhowtoread.com
(that says, I make more money than you and I spend it on stuff like this and not on books that might help my little spoiled brat child learn how to read - you are welcome) The only people I have ever heard say that they like hummers are elementary aged kids. So congratulations fucktard, you have impressed all the 6 year old boys.

Classy

While perusing myspace accounts tonight, I checked in on a girl I went to high school with who has like 47 babies, from there, I linked to another page and found this picture.

So, what's I'll let you vote on what you think most makes this a classy shot.

dial 1800 trashtastic for : the caption read "the cake topper my mama made"
dial 1800 i'm-a-tramp for the fact that the cake is still in the HEB plastic box
dial 1800 skank-o-vision for the sheer fact that someone thought of and followed through with this set up of barbie dolls

This is almost as tacky as the naked lady cake complete with icing pubic hair my SIL had made for my brother last year.

The internet will be the downfall of our society. I hate to say it, but it is true.

We're off to the beach for a couple of days. I hope to purge my mind of these images and work on mass producing skin cancer cells.

WTF or Why I hate TV

Why is John Travolta dressed as a fat lady singing and dancing on my television.

And before bed... i'm going to puke. And have nightmares.

By the way, Kirby ate our bed today. I'm not sure where I am sleeping tonight.

Office party etiquette

For all of those who know me, I'm sure it comes as no surprise to you that I would like to write about party etiquette. I'm by far one of the most judgmental people I've ever met. I like to participate in what most people call "people watching" but in reality it is really "people critiquing."

So in the spirit of this game, I thought I would come up with a list of acceptable/unacceptable behaviors for your office party.

Let's preface this by saying that I work at an elementary school and our end of year office party was held on a party barge.

1. It is a boat party, come prepared... meaning, don't wear your jeans... everyone will ask why, and you'll have to tell each one of them how dumb you are that it didn't even occur to you to wear anything other than jeans on a boat.

2. Don't be the only person to drink hard liquor. When everyone else shows up with sandwiches, chips, dips and a 6 pack of beer, you will get funny looks boarding with only a bottle of vodka, a 2 liter of sprite and your purse. And when your principal sees you, raises her eyebrows and says, "wow... vodka...." think of something better to say than "uh... yeah....I don't drink beer."

3. Don't drink the entire bottle of vodka.

4. Don't threaten to wrestle people, but if you do accidentally drop the wrestling bomb... just let it drop, don't continue on for the rest of the night of why you think you could take down the other person... whom you don't even know. (in my defense, the assistant principal told me his money was on me, he was just worried about me b/c I'd be wresting out of my weight class. The opponent I chose stands at least a foot taller than me and outweighs me by quite a bit)

5. Don't play jokes like spreading around that the only male on campus (who happens to be the assistant principal) is gay. And definitely don't put the only 2 dollars in your wallet in another teacher's top telling her "Ha ha ha go upstairs (where the token male is) and say that you heard **** is GAY!"

6. For real, don't drink a liter of vodka.

7. Don't try to convince the captain of the ship that he should stop the boat in the middle of the lake so you could just jump in real quick. He's not going to be impressed. Especially if you are the one person on the boat in jeans.

8. Don't even talk to the captain of the ship. For he will take it upon himself to leave his post, of driving the fucking boat, to go to the back and get a life jacket and put it over your head.

9. If for some strange reason, you do end up being the only person on the boat wearing jeans and a life jacket... it is not a good time to take a picture of yourself with your AP (the gay one) and the teacher whose shirt is full of money holding up the nearly empty bottle of vodka. God knows who owns that camera.

10. If you do drink the entire bottle of vodka, EAT SOMETHING! And not just the ice in your glass.

11. Having another party-goer pour water down your white tank top is not a viable alternative to swimming in the lake, but even if she thinks it is, don't yell out that she is a whore.

12. When you get off of the boat, have someone help you walk back up the hill. You could ask some random guy who works for the boat rental company... but he'll probably come up with some lame story about his hurt back. I didn't want him to carry me by the way. It is better to go with a co-worker, that way you two can come up with a cute nickname by combining your two names, "Krappy Pecker" for example.

13. If you decide to go to the restaurant bar so your DD can have some more water and you lose one of the people you were with, don't be the one to scream bloody murder calling out her name. Especially if you are walking by 2 cops posted at the entrance of the restaurant.

14. When the waitress asks you what you'd like to drink, say WATER It really doesn't sound anything like Cape Cod.

15. I can't remember any more rules from this point on. Just be nice to your boyfriend who drives 30 minutes to come pick your drunk ass up to get you home safely.


If you follow these 15 rules, you should have no qualms about showing your face at work the next Monday, because you certainly won't be known as, "The School Drunk."

A Note to my Future Children

Dear not-yet-conceived future child,

Hi, it's your future mom. I just wanted to send you a quick note to let you know that you will never get away with anything.

I mean nothing... at all... ever...

I don't care who it is blaming you for something, I don't care how absurd the claim is, I don't care what your excuse is. You will be at fault. And I will beat you unmercifully.

There will be none of this, "Well so-and-so instigated it." or, "Well s/he did it first." and absolutely no, "Are you sure it was my child?"

It will be your fault. You will suffer the consequences. I'll even tack on a few of my own. Just for fun. Just for spite. Just to ensure that you understand that you will never ever ever get away with anything.

I'll love you for as long as you don't make me kill you!

Future Mom

PS You can thank the moms of kids I know now for my attitude. I promise it is for your own benefit.

Inspired by Laura

Things I love vs. Things I hate.... which list will be longer???

Love:
1. Lorna Doone shortbread cookies
2. CSI Vegas
3. My puppies, even Kirby
4. Microsoft Publisher
5. when the kids choose one of the learning centers I made for them over the same "toys" they usually play with
6. Routines... how sick is that?
7. Sensual Amber from Bath and Body Works
8. Being clean with my hair already straightened

Hate:
1. Parents who think their kid is smarter than s/he really is
2. Feeling unmotivated
3. My lack of short term memory
4. cheap vodka
5. beer
6. playing the "I'm more __________ than you" as in, "Man, I'm tired" "Yeah well at least you got to sleep for 4 hours. I was up all night, and then I got up earlier than you and went to bed later and worked harder and yadda yadda yadda" IT DOESN'T MAKE ME ANY LESS TIRED! It is ok for both of us to be tired. Tired has lots of room, it never kicks ANY one out. This goes for hungry, cold, full, hot, bored, busy, overwhelmed etc. It is ok for two (hell, even three) people to have similar feelings and needs.
7. Liking TV as much as I do
8. Bathing.... god, when are they going to invent a clean pill???

Every once in a while

Every once in a while, you meet a person who fills a hole in your life. The kind of person who you really feel honored to have known. But more so, you feel pride because they cared about you. Because they are such amazing people, it is a compliment that they thought you are special. And you wonder if you're really worth it. And you wish you had more time to prove it to them.

Paranoia

I don't have kids... and I've never been a victim of identity theft, but seriously... some people are RIDICULOUS!

We had our Kinder registration today and I'm standing around praying, Dear God (that I don't believe is really there, but there's no one else to talk to so why not...) Please don't let these parents have anything to ask me. Please don't let them care... let me go home...

I see this wild banshee (is that a word?) of a child covered in fake tattoos running around. Now, I'm not one to talk trash about tattoos, I have a couple myself, but this demon spawn was honestly running through the cafeteria full blast pulling his shirt over his head to show the principal his stripes of fake tattoos all over his chest and stomach. Wow... flag that one for a "NOT in My Class."

Then I see his mom talking to our nurse... the final step to registration. And I see our nurse's face tighten up as though she's holding back. I tried to eavesdrop but all I can hear is something about his SSN. Oh god, she's one of those parents. The one who is afraid that someone is going to sneak into the school via the internet connection in our classroom and snatch their child up and run them to Mexico to be a sex slave. But then she continues talking about how she's a very active parent and wants to be really involved in the classroom and yadda yadda yadda...

So... I wait until they are finished (20 minutes) and as the nurse is highlighting the kid's name on his folder, I ask what that was all about... Mom doesn't want to give the school the kid's SSN... she wants us to issue him a state id number for them to use to keep track of him. Whatever, paranoia... oh but it gets better... she also requested that if the number that is issued to him contains the number 666 he will need to be issued another number.

Well... if she's afraid of the devil, she probably won't have a problem with us doing Christmas shit in class... Halloween... that will be a different story.

Who gets BITTEN at work????

Lion tamers
Alligator wrestlers
Snake charmers
video crews for the discovery channel during shark week
Kindergarten teachers

which of the above does NOT belong?

Seriously, who gets bitten? Me. HA!

Little spaz who isn't even in my class tells me he's soooo hungry he's going to eat me up! Then pretends to lunge for my arm to take a bite, except he didn't have much for eye-mouth depth perception, he freakin' bit me!

Didn't break the skin, but CSI could have gotten dental impressions from my forearm. So, I had him sit out until his mom came to get him (this was during extended care - after school).

So I check my school e-mail and get this in my inbox:

I heard this afternoon that ***** bit you today at Extended Care. Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry. Please be assured that we take this kind of behavior very seriously. ***** had a strong talking to and consequences tonight, and he will be giving you an apology tomorrow. Please let me know if there is anything else you think we should do to address his behavior, or if there is anything else you think we should know.

Thank you very much for all that you do for our children. And I apologize again for *****'s behavior.

Aww poor little spaz! I wrote back and let her know that he was just playing and he didn't do it in anger... all in a day's work... for lion tamers... and kindergarten teachers...

The Picture.... or sound.... of health

I'm in tip top shape. Just listen here: http://home.mckallip.net/dl/knee/j-knee.wav

Yeah, that really is what my knee sounds like. awesome.

Something I probably shouldn't be happy about

ok so I'm the newbie at my job. The last person hired on my team was hired 7 years ago.... so when I found out that my district was opening a new school next year, it was understood that I would be the first to go.

Not that I liked that.

I love my team, we are nothing alike, but we have so much fun. Generally when I can leave early, I don't, because I'm in someone else's classroom BSing for an hour.

So, a month or so ago they redistricted the school and we found out that we would be losing a teacher at my grade level. Fine... I'll go...

I'd been thinking about how much it is going to suck and how I'd miss seeing my teammates. Last night I was thinking well... if we go to KToT (yeah, that's Kindergarten Teachers of Texas... I'm cool, you're jealous) next year, maybe I'll still stay with them. Would that be mean to my new team? Do I care? Nah....

I got to school a little bit early today in anticipation of a new student. Who home schools their kindergartener only to enroll him in public school in late March????? The principal comes over the loudspeaker and tells us to check our e-mails right away. Aww man, we must have a meeting or something or maybe a fire drill...

But no, lo and behold it is a letter from the superintendent saying that construction has been delayed on the new school and it will not be opening for another year! I GET TO STAY!!!!!!! I immediately forwarded it to my mom, John and Jamie, who have all listened to me whine about how much I don't want to leave. Then I hear KRUUUUUUUUUUUUUPAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!! Yelled down the hallway. It was my team leader who came running down the hall to hug me after she read it. We all met out in the hallway and jumped up and down and got giddy and excited!

It was complete cheese. But I loved it!

So annoyed

DISCLAIMER: This whole post isn't about how much I work out or how many calories I burned etc. (So, Laura, you can read it and not want to gouge my eyes out)

Ok, so here I am... working out for the 4th day in a row this week thinking, "well, even though I'm sleeping until 10 am each day, at least I'm getting up and working out after that." So, I turn on exercise TV and bust my butt for about 45 minutes and decide, ok I can do this for a few more minutes. I flip through the new listings and get angry that they took off my favorite workouts and then Ta-Da! I find Tae Bo!

Now for most people, dancing around comes somewhat naturally. I'm not most people. So any cardio type workout I can find that doesn't have me booty dancing following 642 steps is super. I've done Tae Bo before and it is simple enough for me to follow along with out feeling like I should be drinking a 40 while doing it.

Push play and get ready.... wait, what does that banner in the background say? Faith?? what? Find my inner strength? Who is Billy Blanks kidding? Ok fine he's pretending this is some eastern philosophy based work out. Whatever, let's get on with the punches and jabs..... "What's that clap for?" Why I don't know Billy, do tell!

JESUS CHRIST!

huh?

Find your strength within! Jesus will give you the power to complete this work out. If you feel like you just can't make it, Praise the lord!

Wow, I didn't know Jesus could cure fatigue. I thought rest and hydration did that.

so I refuse to do the claps and then he tells me to punch it up to the lord. and I refuse to do that.

WHY MUST MY WORK OUT BE A RELIGIOUS EXPERIENCE!?!?!?!

If God is going to make my work out better, super. I'd prefer that he didn't make chocolate taste so good. Then I wouldn't need to work out in the first place.

So, we're standing on one leg and kicking with the other, Billy tells me that if I'm falling to call on the power of God with my inner strength to help me stand tall. Man, and all this time, I grew up thinking that balance was what helped me stand tall. That Jesus must have a sick sense of humor because I sure have fallen plenty of times in my life.

I can just picture Jesus sitting up there with his disciples saying hey man, watch this little girl, she's going to try to roller skate, we'll test her faith...

Let me set the scene, I'm rocking out to NKOTB with my side pony tail and my pink hand me down satin jacket (with denim shorts of course) scrunch socks and some rented roller skates. ohh-ohh -ohh-ohh-ohhh Hangin' Tough! whoa... whoa!!!! CRASH!!!

Jesus: ha ha! She didn't ask me to help her not fall, she didn't use her inner strength, now look at her on the ground sucka!

Me: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! MY ARM IS SNAPPED IN HALF!!!!

Needless to say, I won't be sticking to a Tae Bo work out. I'll stick to Satan Strength Training. Until god makes chocolate and ice cream taste like asparagus and asparagus taste like chocolate... I'll leave the church out of my work outs.

Why I love Austin

Reason # 567832098674095

While sitting at home on a Sunday afternoon with the windows and doors open... I look down out of our upstairs window and see three ladies walking two horses by on our sidewalk.

John's Response, "You wouldn't see that in DC." No you sure wouldn't. It is good to be home. It is even better to be home and be on Spring Break.

ok one more....

I WANT ONE!!!!

Supa Cute

Here is one of my Panda pics. SOOOO cute, not even the best picture I have, but I just wanted to throw one up here for tonight.

Let me tell you how much I'm looking forward to waking up in 6 hours and getting ready to go back to work.

This trip was planned perfectly. Took Mon. and Tues. off, I'll go back to school Wed-Fri and then it will be spring break and I'll have 9 days off followed by a work day. Ahhhh... I guess I can handle that schedule.



Anyway, say hello to AJ and Kirby's future friend. I will have a panda someday.

lotsa

Lots of things have happened since the first night here. I saw Giant Pandas... by far the cutest animals in the whole friggin' world. I could die now and be relatively happy. I'll post pics on here when I get back home and I'm not stealing internet.

Also, we met some really nice people, made me feel like this place isn't so bad after all, but then again... these really nice people were from Texas :) ha. Small world.

Tomorrow is our last day. The museums here are free and AMAZING! I (heart) the smithsonian institution. We're going to the Spy museum in the AM and then heading back to nice, lovely, kind, sweet and warm Texas.

HOLY CRAP!I

I know I'm a non-urban girl, but jesus christ, this place is kinda scary for me. Will update later... if we don't get robbed/attacked by homeless people/killed/mangled in a subway.

Laura, how did you do this for over a year????????????

I respect you so much more now.

Sunday... Dangerous Sunday

I have come to realize that cleaning is dangerous. I should never have to do it. I sliced my finger open while trying to dust. Then I rammed the shop-vac handle into my knee cap. I can't risk it any longer. From this moment on, I will save what's left of my limbs and stop cleaning.

Reading

I read a lot. Everyday. Some of it is good, some of it is shit, some of it is news, some gossip, some poems, some kid writing, some labels, some e-mails, some blogs, some lyrics... but by far, the BEST thing I read today was: "If Britney Spears weren't so fucking stupid "country," her personal and professional life might have turned out quite differently!"

As you can guess that came from the "some shit" and "some gossip" categories, but still. I think it applies to life more than it should just take out Britney Spears and replace it with any of a slew of names of people I know and viola! It makes sense.

I made a pretty good dinner tonight. Sometimes I get so hungry that I have NO idea what I actually want to eat. Today that resulted in me throwing everyone of my cravings into a pot and cooking it over low heat for a while.

I should go to sleep.

PS I love seeing "no misspellings found" after writing a blog. I really am smarter than the average Joe. Except I just tried to spell Joe with a G. oops.

I am sorry

I'm sorry for the awful colors in the previous posts. I would change them to save your eyes, but I'm too lazy. Just know that with my new template, I will chose colors that work well with this layout.

Yeah Yeah

Ok so here's another hobby for me to start and then give up on... I'm good at that.

I've been pretty busy. That is a lame excuse. I've thought of things to write about, but I get distracted by life, gossip pages, dogs, and sleep.

Here's a quick update: it changed years, then months a couple of times and here we are!

I started working out 5 days a week. That takes up a lot of time, what with the showering I now have to do.

I also gave up drinking cokes. I don't know why, but I'll tell you, my class did the hardboiled egg soaking in coke to see what happens and I'm not sure I'm going to be able to drink them again. That shit was gross. Even after we all scrubbed it, it was still brown and it was staining through the egg shell.

I'm trying more and more to be a good teacher. It dawns on me sometimes that Holy Shit! I'm their Kindergarten teacher! They will remember me FOREVER. So, how do I want them to remember me? The mean teacher who was perpetually unprepared? Or the tard of a teacher who let them have fun and sang and danced WITH them rather than just watching? Probably a little of both.

I wrote a song a few minutes ago, it is to the tune of the Toys 'r us

I don't wanna work out
i'm a lazy slob.
I don't wanna work out
but even if I did...
I'd rather have a drink instead!

copyright 2007 jkrupa